organized chaos

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the Heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” James 1:17

(artwork by me)

 

 

God has worked many great things in my life. Psychologically speaking, if one were to dissect my past and predict the person I would become, it would not be who I am now. Many disturbing details lurk back there, but my philosophy has become to find the humor in it. Of course, it is not possible to poke fun at all of it; some will remain sobering to me for the rest of my life.

For those who are interested, here is the shortest account of God’s work in me that I can give. All for His glory, of course.

I was raised from a very young child to believe in Jesus. In my foggy memory, it was as real a relationship as one could have at such a young age. My mother was 15 when I was born, and my grandparents helped her with me, so she could finish school.

Her second husband started out ok, but involved himself with alcohol and drugs and hitting. My mom mostly, but he got mean with me often, too. I didn’t find out he wasn’t my birth father until I was around 11 yrs. It was a relief.

We went to church rarely, but I still believed Jesus was real and coming back for me any day. I talked to him like He was right there. I saw God in the natural world around me, and never really doubted his existence.

At 15, my mom had divorced and I searched, found and wrote to my birth father. A year later, he and my mom got married. I finished high school a semester early and was the model child as I had been my entire life. (No laughing, it’s really true!)

Inside, I was empty. My relationship with my dad wasn’t working out the way I had expected. I started community college right away and met a guy that was interested in me. He was older and my parents red flags went up. Right away they started restricting me in a way that rubbed me wrong. After all, I had helped take care of my two younger siblings after the divorce. I had excellent grades. I had paid for all my own expensed from the age of 16. So I rebelled.

This guy introduced some new age beliefs that really appealed to me. I had a real spiritual void after so many years of my faith not being fed in any way. What he had to say did seem odd to me in some ways, but he was very persuasive to my hungry emotional state.

Unfortunately, he became very controlling, but it was too late. I couldn’t turn to my parents at this point, and I ended up moving out and the guy moved in with me. I became more and more involved with these new age practices to the point where I was drawing astrology charts for other people that I didn’t even know. I believed God was in all of it. I just didn’t know how the Jesus of the Bible fit in with it.

The guy became physically abusive and after a year I broke up with him. He stalked me and showed up at my apartment and trapped me outside and beat me up, and the neighbor called the police. That was one of the scariest nights of my life.

During the next year, my life spun out of control. I did many things I am not proud of, and will not write about here, but am not afraid to share because I believe God uses every part of our mistakes for good. Just in the proper setting.

When I got as low as I could, God spoke to me. I was walking home at night, and glanced up at the starry night. Somewhere in a place inside me I heard the words, “Carrie, it’s time to come home.”

You probably won’t believe me when I tell you how certain I was of that voice, or how quick I made the decision to give up my new age beliefs, or how I would never have sex again until I got married. But it’s true. That night I asked Jesus to be present in my life. I don’t even remember the exact words I uttered as my head hit the pillow, but I woke up the next day in a fervor of change.

The transformation was so complete, that my co-workers noticed, my family noticed, my friends noticed. And not everyone liked it.

This guy had been coming into the restaurant where I worked and I had seen him reading his Bible while he had his coffee. I thought he was cute, so I asked him if he went to church somewhere, and if he would take me. He did and not too long after that he became My Man.

Once I told a girl I knew some version of this testimony, and at the end she said, “So, what? Are you just happy all the time now?”

This part of my life was unlike anything I’ll ever experience again. I fell in love with my Maker in a way I never thought possible. When I was a child, I had no idea that Jesus was man and God. When I discovered that, it revolutionized my mind and heart. What I had known as a child merged with a mature understanding of who God really is and wants to do in us. But this was only the beginning. So the answer to that girl’s question is “No, that doesn’t mean I’m happy all the time now.”

That’s not the point. I’ve had some very dark days since then. This journey is just that: a journey. I have passages of time that I am learning spiritually, but more times when I feel far away from God. But I still see Him in little ways. I have really learned that faith is indeed believing in something even when it doesn’t seem real.

I’ve come a long way since that night 11 years ago when God spoke to me. I don’t really know what’s next in His scheme of things for me. I believe I’m right where he wants me to be. He’s given me four children to raise and a cool guy to help with that. He’s made me a creative thinker, but I have no idea when anything will come of that.

Until then, I’m just living a simple life. Thanking Him for saving me from the pit of despair and adopting me into His family.

Comments and questions are welcome. Argumentative attitudes will be deleted.