So it’s been awhile since I posted any dysfunctional headlines, and really it’s because it got kind of busy at work and/or there just wasn’t anything that sparked my interest. Well last weekend Oprah’s mag had a bold headline that I thought, “If Wally World weren’t taping me right now with their security cameras, I’d totally read that article!”

Oprah’s cool and all, but I don’t really watch her show. Every time I have and she’s had some Cool Idea show theme, it’s usually stuff I can’t afford to do, so I avoid her stuff.

Since I did not read O’s fabulous article, I thought I’d do what I always do. Come up with my own.

Chill!

21 Things to Stop Worrying About Right Now

(give or take)

1. Are the managers at work going to catch me wearing open heeled shoes when it’s clearly not allowed per the new dress code?

2. Will they let me get a dr.’s note since the last time I wore closed heel shoes and was on my feet for a long time, my toenails got so bruised they turned black?

3. Since I’m so tall, do people ever notice the little white chin hairs that grow on the scar from a bike accident when I was a kid?

4. If I drink my coffee through a straw, will it prevent my teeth from turning brown?

5. Why are there so many little toads in my back yard this year? Is it the beginning of the end?

6. Is my daughter going to grow up resenting me because I didn’t make it to the Barbie Ballet scheduled at 6 pm in her room the other night?

7. If my microcephalic dog takes off down the street after a motorcycle, am I expected to retrieve him, or can I just pretend he never existed and get on with my pet free life?

8. Will I ever stop having recurring dreams about finishing high school? I graduated early Dream Maker! That doesn’t mean I still have one year left! Leave me be, already!

9. What would I do if I drove over a bridge and a support beam cracked off? Or some evil mutant or Lex Luthor showed up causing mayhem to everyone driving over the bridge that day?

10. And will I ever be content with my hair color? Or is it actually a creative outlet I just need to accept?

That’s not 21, I did say give or take. I have a feeling Oprah wouldn’t approve my list for her astute publication. I crying a river over that. Really.

a footnote: worry is actually a struggle for me and many things that consume my thoughts just aren’t fodder for my joking around. i’m thankful the lord has given me a sense of humor to lighten my load and laugh at myself, and hopefully someday i’ll laugh at all the things i’ve wasted so much time thinking on.