organized chaos

Where have all the good men gone? I’ve heard that asked from time to time. Along with, “Why are all the good men gay?” The people that I’ve heard asking this are usually looking in bars and dance clubs. And I’m not really an expert on finding good men. Most of the men through my life’s history have been degenerate. I’m not kidding.

I don’t think good men are born. They are forged through time and circumstance when a boy is forced given the opportunity to grow through trials and hardship. Things like manhood journeys and climbing the Alps is fine. But I thought of a few other things that might grow a boy into a man.

So in honor of My Man and I celebrating our 11th anniversary, I’d like to present for your contemplation:

11 Things That Might Just Mature A Man (or send him packing)

1. Hook up with a chick that brings plenty of dysfunction with her. But make sure she keeps the FUN in dysfunction or it might be a drag.

2. Make sure the pastor that marries you and gives you pre-marital counseling isn’t married. Or has ever had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl. He’ll bring lots of wisdom to the table.

3. If your vehicles are older, you will always have a ready source of stress for learning to harness that temper you learned from your dad.

4. Having gremlins is good. But having them really close together is even better. Three gremlins under the age of five and two in diapers is enough to try any man by fire.

5. Work in downtown Kansas City and ride the bus everyday. That way you can meet lots of colorful people and ensure you are in harm’s way at all times.

6. If your parents hate that they live so far away and they just hate where they live in general, offer to help move them closer. Then listen to them complain for the next eight years that they just can’t move till they fix up their house, but OH! they hate it so much! Every other day get a phone call from them about how much they hate it, but they’ll just have to die there I guess.

7. Just when you think you’re done having gremlins, and life is proceeding at a more peaceful pace, have another one by accident by God’s divine intervention. You know how these things happen. The further from the diaper stage you are, the better. Starting all over will test your limits as a man. Remember, you’re that much older now. And tired.

8. Buy a house. Better yet, buy an old house that will challenge your OCD everytime you notice the shabby paint job the previous owners did.

9. Send your wife to work three nights a week. If you haven’t had that fourth gremlin surprise yet, now is definitely time to do it. A pregnant wife that works crazy night hours is sure to bring you some perspective on your life.

10. With your wife at work three nights a week, you get to babysit an infant gremlin for the first time ever! Because your wife did everything with the previous gremlins!

11. Homeschool your gremlins so your house is never crisp. And by crisp, I mean spotless. To mature properly, you must see this everyday:

and this
and this

Happy Anniversary, Charlie! Here’s to the past.

And here’s to the present.

And here’s to the future.