So I had some time between customers on Thursday night to jot down some more headlines. If you missed the previous posts on this subject, GO HERE.

And by now, you know I like to shake things up bit. Geez, don’t try to put me in a box!!

So instead of 30 Summer Style Secrets, which I’m sure includes all the hints and tips for women size zero and under. (And if you’re a size zero and reading this, I love you too, I’m just saying, magazines in general don’t cater to size 14/16 women who are 6 feet tall.)

So here’s

Carrie’s Style Secrets For Any Season and In Any Decade

1. Do not wear sleeveless polka dot shirts when you’re pregnant. Especially big black and white ones.

2. Sweat is NOT an appropriate accessory. Unless you’re mowing the lawn in 90 degree weather and The Jackelope falls off his bike unexpectedly and you need to run to the ER all helter-skelter. Then you just have to pray the ER docs ARE NOT cute and if they are, you must pray they have no sense of smell.

3. If you choose to go to the Prom with a guy who wants to wear a kilt, you need to make sure you have a totally rockin’ dress and thus ensure that everyone will be staring at you instead.

4. The only thing that looks good on teeth is shine. Except if you must wear braces for a time. Lipsticks, corn, broccoli? Never a good idea and it’s likely no one will have the guts to tell you that these things are on or stuck in your teeth.

5. If you insist on wearing P.J.’s to Walmart late at night, make sure A) they cover your most important body parts and B) they’re cute, and C) there are no gaping holes revealing the previously mentioned body parts. Your friendly cashier does not want to see that much of you.

6. If you have legs that resemble Slim Jim’s, DO NOT tight roll your jeans.

7. If you decide to rip holes in your jeans, all the way up and down the pant legs, and imitate your favorite glam rock star, DO NOT take a picture. You will likely resist the vomit impulse every time you look at it for years to come.

8. If you have really long luscious blonde hair and you meet a really cute boy over the summer, and that cute boy goes back to Germany for a few months, DO NOT rush out and get a perm on sheer impulse. You will regret it and your mother will force the beauty parlor to relax it asap but it will never be the same after that. And you will freak the cute boy out when you tell him about it on the phone, and he will probably not show up to your next date.

9. And speaking of perms. Just because you happened to get a GREAT perm back in the 11th grade, it DOES NOT mean all perms hereafter will be GREAT. And one of those times you try to recreate the past hair success, your perm could go so haywire and so curly that the hairdresser has to cut your short hair even shorter, and you end up looking like something from “Amazon Women Sporting Gerry Curls: Next Geraldo!”

10. If you design your own wedding dress, for the love of Mike, make sure the sleeves DO NOT hang off your shoulders in a way that cut off your ability to lift your arms. Otherwise you will be hugging everyone Zombie Style all night.

11. And finally, since I have so many DO NOT’s, here’s a DO. If you want to be a totally rad roller skating queen, you MUST own a satin gold and red shorts set with a tank top to match. And you MUST wear this with red cotton tights. Because how will you ever work that Whitney Houston song, “I wanna dance with somebody” on your red, white and blue skates without the ultimate outfit?

And my dear internet friend, Hallie

has apparently given me this:

Just kidding!!

She thinks I’m this:

Thanks GirlFriend! Now I’m supposed to give this to 5 other bloggers. Here’s who I think rocks, because they’ve left me a comment and thus secured my friendship forever:

Jenny, Karen, Elizabeth Joy, H0MEfree, and that’s really all the gals with blogs that I can think of that haven’t already been bestowed this reward. And to all you non-bloggers who read this nonsense regularly, YOU ROCK, as well.